It’s truly said that first things are never forgotten and we always cherish them in some corner of heart for lifetime, such as first friend, first crush, first love, first kiss, and so on. I too can’t forget my first kiss, a deep and passionate one, after marriage but it was not my husband!
Shocked & puzzled? Some of you might even think of me to be a characterless woman but after reading my story, you will also agree that I am not entirely guilty or blameworthy for it.
Here I’m going to narrate an incident which shook my life to the core but thanks to a man, I managed myself and made a new start that might not be appropriate for some. Nevertheless, I didn’t find anything wrong in it since it gave me a sense of love and completeness, something I had been craving for….
My family is quite conservative and even though my parents never stopped me from pursuing higher studies, they did have objection from male friends, surfing the social media sites, going for movies with college friends, etc. In fact, I was not allowed to keep a separate mobile phone and had to use my mom’s phone if I had to communicate with anyone.
You can imagine that with this kind of atmosphere, it was next to impossible for me to love a guy or express my feeling towards the one I loved, if any, as I knew that my family would never have agreed for love marriage. But no matter how strict restrictions may be, no one can stop anybody from falling in love and the same was the case with me.
I loved a guy named Rohan who was also in my batch and although he never said anything, don’t know why I used to feel that he had the same feelings for me. Well, I won’t be wrong if I say that many fellow students including that guy knew about my family and that’s why he might not have expressed his feelings. And I couldn’t even think of doing it in the dream, leave alone saying it in reality.
Years passed and my family started searching for a boy for me. Even then I didn’t have guts to talk about Rohan to my parents. They selected Ajeet for me and I had no option other than saying ‘Yes’.
I made up mind of forgetting Rohan completely and starting a new world with Ajeet. Marriage was considered to be a very sacred institution in my family and I was born and brought up amidst thoughts like husband is God and the house of in-laws is the only place for a girl after marriage. But all these appeared to be hollow and mere words soon after tying knot with Ajeet.
It was our first night and I was very nervous while waiting for him in our room. I had heard a lot about wedding night from my friends and something was tickling me from within as I was thinking about my husband’s first touch. It was a long wait, for hours, and finally he came! But what’s that? He was drunk…. He didn’t even look at me with a glance of love, took a pillow from the bed and slept on the sofa in our room. Tears started rolling down my cheeks, all my dreams shattered, I didn’t know what to do and I slept while crying.
Since we didn’t communicate much before marriage, we were not frank and I couldn’t dare to openly ask him about the last night. On the second night also, he didn’t touch me and just slept like the last night. The situation was getting upsetting and painful and when it continued for a week, I decided to have a word with him about it.
Initially he tried to ignore me and avoided answering my questions but when I threatened him of disclosing the whole lot to his parents, he got panic and revealed the ultimate secret that gave me the biggest shock of my life.
He neither loved me nor wanted to get married to me and when I asked him if there is some other girl in his life, he told that he was not interested in women at all and instead loved his best friend Lakshya. Yes, he was gay and I was just speechless to know this….
Why did he ruin my life? Couldn’t he tell this to his parents or inform me before marriage so that I could let my family know? Now what about me? How would I spend the rest of my life with a man who doesn’t love me or has no chance of doing it in future ever?
I came to my parents’ home after the big shock but couldn’t tell them anything. Few days passed and one day when I went to market with my friend, I saw Rohan. Feelings that I buried in a corner of my heart got a breath of fresh air and I couldn’t stop myself from staring at him. He too saw me and we have a formal communication. By that time, I had my own cellphone and we exchanged numbers.
I returned home and after dinner as I was trying to sleep, I received his good night message. I too responded and gradually our conversations increased. I was happy now because I had someone to talk the whole day and night too! I didn’t realise when I told him the reality of my married life and Ajeet while communicating one day and he was as shocked as I was. He was the only person to know this secret and we developed a strong emotional bond.
Family restrictions got minimal after marriage and I didn’t have much problem in meeting Rohan outside on the pretext of going to a friend’s home. Our meetings increased and we expressed what we used to feel for each other. Unquestionably, I needed physical love too and I didn’t consider it wrong to get it from another guy since my husband was gay and didn’t even touch me lovingly so far.
One day Rohan called me in a hotel room and even though I knew that it’s not ethically correct, I went to meet him. As I reached there, he locked the room from inside, hold my hand and kissed me passionately on lips. It was the first ever kiss of my life and even while writing about this, I could feel the warmth of his breath that got mixed in mine and united us. I really don’t need to mention that the meeting brought us closer than ever, emotionally as well as physically.
I returned to my home and even after returning to my husband’s house, I didn’t stop meeting Rohan. One day I told Ajeet about him and as expected, he was the least bothered. For him, I was free to do just anything until I do not disclose his secret.
It’s been a year and now I want to marry Rohan but Ajeet is not ready for divorce. What should I do? What is the future of my relation with Rohan if we don’t get married? Should I tell everything to my and his family? What will be the best step in this situation? Do you still think that I am characterless?